The Spotlight Effect

You know that feeling when you type a message… then backspace it… rewrite it… stare at it for 20 minutes… and finally send it with your eyes closed like you're launching a missile?

Yeah. That. That’s the Spotlight Effect.

I didn’t know it had a name until I met Ankush Dharkar.

Storytime

It was a regular day, around 3 PM, Ankush dropped a casual message in our WhatsApp group: “Meeting at The Beer Cafe, join in.”

That place only allows 25+ and I was under age.

What followed was a masterclass in overthinking.

I messaged a friend and asked:

"Are you coming to meetup?" - he said no.
"I wanted to go but they have age limit of 25 and above for entry." - I said

(hoping he'll ask it in group, instead of me asking it)

"Ask in group" - he replied.

(shittt.. plan failed..)

Then came 30 minutes of rewriting, overanalyzing and sweating over a 10-word message.

Finally, I sent:

“The Beer Cafe doesn’t allow entry for anyone under 25. Would you be open to switching to another place? Or if you prefer, I'm happy catch up after you're done at the cafe.”

"We can catch up afterwards. Suggest a place" - Ankush replied instantly.

And I was like, I wasted 30 mins for a 10 sec answer. That’s it. No judgment. No drama. Just a normal response. The kind of reply that makes you realize—oh, maybe I’m not on stage with a spotlight over my head.

Funny how the mind convinces you you're on center stage, when in reality, people are just trying to get a coffee or a hot chocolate.

I suggested Tim Hortons. He agreed and asked:

ETA?

30 minutes. - I replied.

What I forgot to add: time to get ready. Reached 5 minutes late.

But here’s the twist—We met, had a great conversation, and turns out, I prefer offline meetups. Maybe because once I’m there, I don’t have time to think, just be myself.

Moral of the story - I lost about an hour of good conversation, just because of that stupid overthinking on a simple message.

Spoiler: no one’s watching. They’re all too busy thinking they are being watched.

What Is the Spotlight Effect?

The Spotlight Effect is a psychological phenomenon where individuals believe they are being noticed more than they actually are.

Coined by psychologists Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky in 1999, it happens because we live inside our own heads—we know every little thing we’re doing, so we assume others do too. Wikipedia

A classic example?

In one study, students were asked to give a short speech in front of their peers.

Afterward, they were asked to estimate how many people noticed them stumbling over a few words or sweating a bit. Most guessed that nearly half the class picked up on it.

In reality?
Almost no one remembered those details.

Why? Because everyone else was too focused on their own performance, nervousness, or next turn to speak. That’s the Spotlight Effect again—overestimating how much others notice our small flaws or awkward moments.

We think we’re the main character in everyone’s story, when in fact, they’re too busy starring in their own.

So, What Now?

Now, whenever a question pops into my head—like “Should I say this?” or “Will this sound stupid?”—I try to pause and ask myself:

“Is it a blocker for my growth?” or
"Am I trapped again in the Spotlight Effect?”

I’m not out of it yet. The spotlight still flickers on now and then. But at least now I know it’s just a trick of the mind—a stage light I can slowly dim.

And if you're wondering whether I overthought every word of this blog?

Absolutely.
Every. Damn. Word.

PS: I drafted this blog but it took me days to publish it. Not because I was refining but due to fear of judgement. But posting it is another step to get out of the trap of SPOTLIGHT EFFECT.